image Does red wine make us skinny or fat, healthy or sick? Who cares, I’m drinking anyway

 

Someone hand me a researcher. I need to wring his neck. I say ‘his’ because it’s most definitely a man. A blithering mass of men, in fact.

One minute, studies show that drinking red wine equals one hour at the gym. Drinking two glasses a day burns fat and keeps the weight off. Red wine lowers blood pressure and staves off diabetes, cancer, heart disease, and dementia. Have red wine with cheese and chocolates for even more health benefits.

And another minute, an equal number of studies say the opposite. The added sugar in red wine will make you fat. Drinking red wine increases liver cancer, breast cancer, and heart disease. It increases the chances of alcoholism, which results in tragedies like drunk-driving, spousal abuse, and pet terrorism.

I say the researchers are men because women would never yank other women around on a chain like this. Women understand that something as important as red wine must not be trifled with. These studies that the researchers are so casually tossing around are the benchmarks we rely on to answer some of life’s gravest questions:

“Should I have two more glasses before bedtime?”

“Should I drink wine and watch Netflix or do squats with a gunny sack of rice strapped to my back?”

“Will drinking solve all my problems and bring me closer to God?”

“Will red wine make me beautiful and more popular with people?”

Because of these callous researchers ― who apparently conducted some of these studies on rats instead of humans ― we will never have the answer to these questions. And so, fumble on, we must. With random outcomes. Some people got fatter, some got thinner. Some became sick, some stayed healthy as a horse. Some went bat-shit crazy, some remained lucid as lip gloss.

Look, I’m skinny. Well, I’m sorry, but I am. I drink red wine moderately ― sometimes, half a bottle, two to three times a week with dinner; sometimes, I play teetotaler for a week or more. And not only am I still skinny (again, sorry), I am healthy, happy, and my marbles are intact. Well, most of them anyway. I’m not prone to fits of anger, I’ve never driven drunk (never even been drunk, for that matter) and I’ve never beat up anybody. Sure, I’m just one person, but as far as test subjects go, I think red wine’s effects on me are more valid than those on a rat.

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